It’s funny on how we delay and reschedule, thinking that tomorrow will always make-up for lost time. Life may be mundane at times, but that doesn’t warrant complacency. We do not know what the future holds. At one point, it just slaps us in the face, without mercy nor forgiveness, and all we can ever do is murmur amongst ourselves, “what if???”
I know that I have set my opinions about the matter but just now, I can’t help but wonder…
I know that in the end, conclusions are made through a conscious decision but there are times when circumstances meddle, which make us think that “fate” was playing all along. And it makes me question my former hypothesis; what if there was a so-called destiny?
I don’t want to assume and entertain the idea because I know that if I do, everything would unfold as a “sign” from the heaven’s above. I do believe in God but I also believe in hardwork.
These past few days, I would often bump into this particular guy; whom I admit, am attracted to. I have blocked the infatuation from the very beginning because I knew, he was involved with someone else.
My mind has been a rollercoaster ride these past few days, I was feeling remorseful of my recent unconcluded break-up. And whenever I would linger with the despondency, he would somehow appear in the scenario. Yes, I know that I should not make anything out of it. But what a coincidence!
And just today, again my mind was a jumbled mess, and again I saw him.
I don’t want to think of it as “destiny.” But somehow, there’s this hope within me, that wishes for him to pursue me. LOL. I sound so desperate:)
And as I carry on with this desparate wistfulness, I would like to share a memorable scenario with this guy. We flew together ages back. We were both business class crew at that time. One of the ground staff had this talent of imitating the sound of a flute and at one point, he held both of our hands and began playing the matrimonial tune. I halted him then and there, reminded the ground staff that this guy was taken.
I don’t know. I may sound unscrupulous at this point… But hey, you never know. I may be reading this one day and say “it all made sense.” Yes, I am still tattered and thorn. But one day, all of the befuddlement would be sewn into a beautiful quilt, embracing all wisdom and strength garnered through the years.
Destiny or not, coming soon!
One of the silliest advice I gave a crew:
You know what, that’s life. Crap happens. There’s nothing much we can do in the aftermath but to pick up the pieces of crap, flush and sanitize. Just move on and move forward.
Don’t know if I made sense to her. But I made her laugh though…
I am currently in a bad, bad relationship. And since he is on leave, I am trying my very best to cope up with my life as a single person. At first it was all fine and dandy but as the days transpired, I suddenly realized how lonely I was. I remember many sleepless nights of just wondering my mind off. I felt drugged and exasperated. I know I wanted peace of mind and now that I have it, the quiet was dizzying.
And I have to admit that I have recoiled. I have met-up with him at some point and after that incident, I slept like a baby. I know that it was wrong but I did it and I struggled (and yet again).
Well, these past few days have been fine after I saw him again. But here’s the catch:
After the longest time, I have felt the hibijibis towards sombody else… Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t gone to any affair of sorts. It’s just as simple as a crush.
Being a flight attendant, I do encounter a lot of people all over the world but never have been lucky in meeting any prospective lover, may it be a colleague or a passenger. And as time went on, I saw passengers, singular and the same. Yes, there would be a handsome guy every once and while, but it didn’t go any further than that. I never felt butterflies after being in my current relationship which brings me to the conclusion of my loyalty.
But just recently, a change of heart has occurred. After so many years, a spark of hope lingered within me. I have a crush! It’s really weird saying it at 27:)
In my flight going to Manila, there was this Filipino-Chinese guy, asking for a glass of water. I was currently chit-chatting with my fellow crew members when he made the request. After finishing one glass, he asked again and he was gesturing to do it on his own. I immediately stood up and assisted him, even jokingly said “sir, that’s why your skin is so flawless, You drink lots of water.” He just laughed and mentioned that my skin was more flawless than his. I gave him a bottle of water then after and suddenly came to notice how cute he was. I was so tantalized that I even checked his index finger, in quest of a wedding band and I was glorified to discover of its unavailability.
Every time I would pass by his seat, I would take a quick glimpse at him. And at times, I would catch him looking towards my direction. I felt like a school girl ogling over her special someone. Never have I been so inspired to work! I was so energized!
Constantly, I prayed to God. I asked Him for this stranger to be the one, provided that it was the right thing for me. I don’t want to force anything although I really doted on this guy. I liked his presence that much that I imagined leaving my current relationship in full blast!
In the end, we just glanced at each other the whole duration of the flight. No nothing but “goodbye sir, see you once in a blue moon.” Even so, I am happy. It is indeed a huge breakthrough in my part. This just implies that I am ready to love amidst my broken relationship. I know I should break it off completely with my current guy, and I will.
For now, I am happy that I am starting to let go and I am starting to grow.
I think I am ready to let go of my problematic relationship. The void has grown in me that somehow, I am getting accustomed to it.
It may be too early to tell, but this past days; just the idea of starting a new life without him has opened a lot of doors.
The only thing that scares me is how to start on those possiblities…
Hope that I could get through this and finally decide on the better decision.
I retell a story worth-sharing, based on my kuya’s experience:
I was walking along the blistering streets of Manila, busy like anyone could be. The jeepneys hustle and bustle, coughing black smoke as if to have contracted a disease of sorts. Vendors walk all over the place, immersing themselves within the crowd, hopeful for buyers to cross their path. People among people, seemingly trample at each other but don’t care as they were in a hurry to go some place. Animate or inanimate, it seemed that each and everyone had a tedious goal in mind.
I continued my walk, searching for a particular edifice. Lost, almost; forlorn, beneath the scorching sun. Threads of sweat cover my face, when I felt someone nudge me once and then, twice. I take a glance at the source, assuming it to be an accident; but it was not. My eyes travelled upon a stranger, covered in grime. His clothes were slovenly and embraced by filth. This hermit-like person, introduced himself with a smile and words came to follow “do you have any change to spare sir?” I scratched my head and looked at him nonchalanty “I am sorry my friend but I am looking for a job, myself.” He looked at me in desparation, “oh please sir, just 2 pesos is fine with me. Just to buy some bread.” I put my hand in my pocket and take a coin worth 10. I offered it to him and said “that’s multipled by 5 of what you have asked.” I smiled at him as I saw the priceless beaming of his face. “Thank you sir” he said again and again.
I returned to my composure when I noticed that I was still lost. I asked the lad for directions, and he gladly uttered, “sir, I’ll bring you there!”
“No, it’s fine just tell me where the station is and I’ll take the jeepney”
“It’s fine sir! The weather is great! I’ll lead you to the way.”
It was a good walk, one of the memorable ones that I would have. He trodded on proudly as I followed him at pace. The by-passers that came our way, suddenly came to their senses and dodged the fellow. It seemed that his putrid existence woke them up from the trance.
This person, covered in grime, was the poorest of the poor, and yet feared by many. Suddenly he was not so weak anymore for then and there, he was the king of the streets.
We finally reached my destination and I was about to give him another penny but in a second, he was amongst the multitude, waving his arm at me. And I knew that that was the last (or maybe not) I would see of him.
I could not help but smile at the experience for despite the constant preoccupation enveloping our society, it helps to stop for a while and just take notice. To breathe and to humble ourselves.
As I take another step towards life, I bid him one last message “goodbye my friend, goodbye indeed.”
I am a lethargic worm, lazily gyrating my body in this quicksand of a moment called boredom.
Once upon a time, a girl got a cold sore. Living in a country where cold sores aren’t as prominent, she is left clueless on how to remedy this unknown virus. Contracting the virus after a session from a dentist, it is indeed a wonder.
That dentist, I have forgiven her. My only regret is that she should have been reprimanded as her instruments weren’t well-sanitized. However, she left somewhere, while I was left with a hideous ordeal.
As I mentioned, I did not know how to handle my condition. And my parents, as they believe in the natural way of things, advised me to use sorts of medication that made it only worst. Memo to us– consult a dermatologist next time:)
It came to a point where I would drink, and there was dripping fluid on the side of lip, since that’s where the break-out was. Not knowing the exact thing to do, the cold sore scarred. It was a tiny little scar on the side of my lip which was fascinatingly shaped like a sideway heart.
I was depressed. Being that, I was a girl with really low-self-esteem when it comes to physicality. To make matters worst, I was being praised for my flawless skin at that time and so the frustration. There I was, finally feeling a cinch better for myself then all of a sudden, I was left with a scar on my face.
Though it was not so visible to everyone (not unless I give you a tour of my face), I obsessed on this flaw for almost a decade. Everytime, I would carry a mirror with me and take a glimpse at it, as if it would magically disappear then and there.
But time went by, I got tired of it. Finally just accepted the fact that this scar would forever remain a scar and there’s nothing much I could do but move-on. Too bad that it took me a while to realize this.
There are some things in life that are out of our hands and instead of constantly idealizing of ‘what should have been,’ why not focus on ‘I can.’ Instead of changing the past, we change our outlook and be the best that we can be.
And at this point, whenever i would catch a cold sore, I look back on those memories where I was so down. Those years that I let go of living life because I was busy fixating on mundane matters. It humbles me really, to remember that girl in the past who had so many insecurities about herself but someway, figured her way out of it and totally decided to seize the moment.
And by the way, if you’re wondering what medication am using right now for my occassional friend, it’s zovirax:)
Somebody asked me a meaningful question, that I suppose is asked by a lot of hopeless romantics in the world “do you believe in destiny?”
I have long debated on it, ever since I started watching Disney’s fairy tales. It seemed that Snow White’s bidding “someday my prince will come” made sense, since he did make his grand entrance when she was in deep slumber. But is it really destiny or mere coincidence?
Destiny in my opinion, is a wonderful philosophy in the mystical realm of life but in reality, is it even logical? I don’t want to sound cynical, but I do believe that we create our own fate. And destiny, is a metaphysical belief created by people who don’t want to own up to responsibility. Often we hear somebody arguing “it was just not meant to be,” often trashing the thought that maybe somewhere in-between he/she was at fault. It takes a lot of self-awareness to even consider introjection, also tantamount to BRAVERY.
As poetically written by William Ernest Henley in Invictus, “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul;” I believe so to. We have to act and react. All in life is a choice. Yes there are some things that are uncontrollable but in a magnanimous scale, we are the heroes/villains of the story. However in every particular scene, nobody pre-wrote the story. We are our own composers.
Life is indeed, what you make out of it for whatever path we may proceed to is a path that we, ourselves chose to take. It may be that we make faulty decisions every now and then, but it is something that we have face with acceptance and humility.